Frequently Asked Questions

Got a question? Just one moment while we consult the crystal ball...

Seriously, instead of trying to make up a bunch of questions that we THINK you might have, we figured we'd just let you post your questions right on the blog.

To ask your question, just post a comment below. We'll answer the questions here, too, so everyone will be able to see both the questions and answers. Before you know it, we'll have a nice juicy FAQ section. Pretty clever, eh?

So -- ask away!

Comments

[Mona]

So the big question is: What happened to the confetti around the red tent in your logo?

I thought that was totally fun and really conveyed a lot about the vibe of this space. Any chances of bringing the confetti back?

[Kathy Mallary]

I didn't notice that until just now -- I'm not sure what happened to the confetti! But don't worry, there's still plenty of fun going on in side the tent.

The logo/banner is still evolving and may look totally different by next week; I'll pass along your suggestion. Thanks for asking!

Kathy M.

[Mona]

Yeah, I've been watching "the changing of the logo" and the tent with the confetti has been my favorite. I saw the one with the heart and also the one with the red triangle. Neither of those did it for me.

I think you had one with the word red in red tent in the color red and I liked that. Maybe it was that curly font you used to have.

And I love the "it's what inside that counts." I'm looking forward to see what else comes up in that space up top!

[Christi Bender]

Question....
When we say "no" to others... how can we hold that answer honestly inside ourselves as "yes to me".. without getting hard and cold - or worse - allowing that subtle thief of joy called Guilt to steal away part of what we gained by saying "no"....????

[Eileen Kollmeyer]

Answer

Hi Christi - As toddlers we learned that when we please people they like us and when we say no we risk not being liked. What I try to focus on now (when I say no and find myself feeling guilty) is that I'm gaining a deeper level of self-respect and self love. It takes looking at that guilt and consciously honoring myself by paying attention to my wants and needs. The more I love myself the better things seem to go all the way around. Thoughts?

[Christi Bender]

Hi Eileen,
Thanks for answering my question. My followup thought is

When we are focusing on how our "no" is a self honoring action.... How do we help the people around us hear that - instead of a rejection of them (or their plans, ideas, actions, requests etc)?

Frequently the guilt seems to pile up when the people around me have trouble accepting my "no"... and continue to push for a "yes" in a manner that feels like the typical "guilt trip".

[Eileen Kollmeyer]

Hi Christi,

How do we help people around us hear that no means no insead of maybe and that it is not a rejection of them? This is when I suck in my guilt and kindly explain that I'm honoring and taking care of myself by doing what I can do right now. By standing in my truth I'm reinforcing my self-respect and self-love. I know it's hard to say no the first time and it seems even harder to have to repeat it but that's our lesson isn't it? Maybe it is their lesson too...

[Mona]

Really we can't help it if someone feels rejected by our no. No matter how gently we say it. Their reaction would be their business...and being in their business is what got us to have trouble saying No in the first place, right?

So once we say no, we can't control what will happen. Everyone has their own buttons, their own fliters that they're hearing our words with/from.

One person hears no and they're, "Okay, no problem." Another person hears no and they're like, "What the hell? Why are you so stubborn? If you loved me you'd say yes."

Both people are dealing with the same word (No), but they have two totally different reactions because of their buttons and they're stories that they're running in the moment...so what does it have to do with your No?

When I'm clear in my no, and am behind it 100%, then I find that I'm more available to be there if the other person experiences something uncomfortable in reaction to hearing no.

Plus, one of the main reasons we're afraid of people feeling rejected is because we haven't made friends with that feeling in ourselves.

So we look at them and think they feel rejected and maybe they tell us that they feel rejected and we project our experiences of rejection onto them and imagine they feel what we feel (which sucks in our opinion because we haven't made friends with it) so then we feel responsible and like we need to fix it.

What is the worst that could happen if you said no and someone stood in front of you and experienced rejection - even though your intention was to honor yourself? Close your eyes and picture that person in front of you...they start looking rejected or telling you they feel that way...then what happens? Become an observer and watch in your mind what would happen.

This thing about honoring your no is such a juicy topic. I've been doing a lot of work around it in my own life and have a teleseries coming up on Thursday about The Art of Clear Communication and honoring your honest no is definitely a part of that. I'm looking forward to getting into this in more depth in the program.

Great discussion here in the Red Tent. Awesome!

[Mona]

I asked a question about the logo a while back. Tonight I have a question about the text in the columns. Would you be willing to use a sans serif font there? It's kind of cramped and hard to read - especially when it's in bold.

I'd like to vote for Verdana in the side columns..just like you have in the center column. Thanks for considering it.

[Manjeet]

I agree Mona - this is a rich discussion! Thank you for bringing this into the tent :)

In my experience there are a couple of key points around saying 'no' in my life:

1) I need to be clear within myself about what I am saying 'no' to.
2) This goes hand in hand with having a balanced 'no' in my heart. What I mean is that I create the 'no' from a place of balance within myself - honoring my truth but being sensitive and conscious of how I'm going to say 'no'.

In juggling my 3 businesses, maintaining my family foundation and trying to find time for 'me', I have found that saying 'no' is part of the job - and the delivery of the 'no' is just as important as the value for me to say 'no'

I believe that you can truly say 'no' in a way that is compassionate and loving to you and the recipient.

Sometimes I speak my truth but don't take it to the next level by wrapping the message in a non-threatening and compassionate envelope. And I end of feeling conflicted about my answer and (to no big surprise), my 'no' is received as being 'cold' or 'insensitive'.

How can I avoid this from happening?
Time. Taking my time provides me the following:

1) If I take a few moments before I answer, I find I am more inclined to get to my truth (rather than a 'Sure!I can do it!').
2) This time also allows me to formulate my 'no' in a meaningful and powerful way that let's the people around me know that I am a woman who is deliberate and thoughtful in my answers.
3) This time allows me to generate an intention around my 'no' that is clear and loving directed towards others AND yourself.

Manjeet

[Kathy]

Christi -

What a great conversation starter you are! I hope you'll post your thoughts and questions at the Red Tent blog often.

Re your question about saying 'no' without guilt -- I think the Louise Hay card I pulled this morning is a great affirmation for this:

I release others to experience whatever is meaningful to them, and I am free to create that which is meaningful to me. I am willing to let go.

Many blessings,
Kathy M.

[Mona]

Kathy - that card you pulled hit right on the spot of something I realized a little while when I was doing some work around saying no.

What I found was that I would often say yes because I didn't want to witness or experience the reactions that could come up from them.

Then this is what bubbled up from within me: A no to you...is a yes to your emotions.

It's like when I say no to you, I can be in a space of honoring whatever it is that arises in you. When I share my no honestly, it is an opportunity for me to be open to you - in whatever way you show up.

How am I to know that the only meaningful thing for you to experience in your life is happiness with what I've said?

Saying yes (when I wasn't 100% behind it) was manipulative - to try to keep you happy with me.

And now I'm resting more in a space of where saying no clearly is not only honoring to me, it is honoring to the other.

[Beverly]

How much email traffic should I expect if I sign up for the mailing list?

[Kathy Mallary]

Hi Beverly -

We're not heavy emailers at all. When you subscribe to the blog, you'll get a daily FeedBlitz summary of any new posts. If there aren't any new posts that day, there won't be a summary.

We try to post something new on the blog at least once a week, but sometimes it's more, sometimes it's less frequent than that.

We also occasionally send out an email when we announce an event or have something particularly newsworthy -- that happens less frequently, maybe once a month.

We had thought of doing a monthly newsletter, but we're going to table that idea for now.

Thanks for asking, and please feel free to email me directly if you have more questions.

Kathy M.

P.S. Also wanted to mention that if you want to try us out and then change your mind, it's quite easy to unsubscribe -- no questions, no hard feelings, no worries!